Goggles In Space

Children After you were born, for many years i haven't thought about what 'i' like and what i don't. There was nothing called ME time until you guys planted your eyes on the laptop and plugged earphones from dawn to dusk. I was very happy with what i was doing for you. I was fine cleaning the floor every day at 11pm in the night, washing and many times ironing your wet clothes, thinking my head off on what to cook, taking you for classes, seeing you win in competitions. You both meant my universe but like many working mothers , i had my ups and downs too. No one supported my mood swings but your smiles and hugs brought the glee back in me. In every step of success, my tears of joy was there and would be. I urge you to wake up in the morning and stretch because the positive energy from the sun during the day cannot be found at night. I urge you to reduce water wastage ,reduce flush usage and reuse water for you and your grandchildren. My life is more than half over. I ge...

Yesterday i caught up with my engineering collegemates and hostelmates - Deepti,Reshma and Manju. We were meeting after about 2 years .Pre covid we had met with kids at a nice restaurant Bombay Brasserie and had lots of fun. After that we hardly connected on watsapp or phone but yesterday we spent a nice ,bright afternoon at the open lounge bar called Shift in HSR -About hostel days , whats going with the families, parents siblings , jhow each of us were tired of the jobs etc. Deepti was into painting, paper toy making etc and she just loved it. Reshu was detected of cholestrol and was on a strict cleansing diet. Alas ! She has gone back to her college day "Ujala kuppi"figure..Manju was the same and we catch up once in a while with Infy lunchmates, the last one being a couple of months ago at 46 Ounces. We just spoke non stop clicked pictures. Reshu told me she admired my brown eyes and i never knew it ! No one told me and i always lived in complex of being fat, dark and hair...

We were born in the same year, in different cities. While we both grew horizontally and vertically, the growth was very different. Our surroundings, support system and stakeholders were also different. Along with other things, learning has been a focus area for both of us all through. Fortunately, we met in 2003 , a rendezvous , which was to turn into a deep connection lasting for almost two decades. The journey onwards has been nothing less than a 'dream come true' for me and rewarding. Initial feelings of freedom and curiosity slowly turned into strive for excellence . My long time dream of going to US turned into reality. Being in Silicon valley amidst IT companies and multi culturalism brought in a fresh mindset and perspective change.  While we both had our ups and downs, the fundamental values which drove us towards the goal were similar. Our journeys were in varied directions but towards the same vision and mission. This year we both celebrated the 40th milestone birthd...

My bday cake by Sree said so...Totally loved that. Yes, i want to look and feel fab. Not dull even for a single moment. But i am scared al the time of that day when i will be driven to the operation theater and my brain will undergo the surgery. Let me forget it for sometime. Yesterday was a particularly fabulous day. First was the Sep 14th midnight cake cutting followed by a small bday present (Sleeveless top and lipstick) from Sree and a paper gift from Appu. The cake was super good and after eating lots, we all slept again. As usual woke up at 6 , fixed tea and breakfast for the family ,played baddy and then got to work. Though availing leave from office had been in my mind from last 1 week just to chill but i let it go due to lot of work. Sree left for work as they had a 1 day work from office .It kept popping in mind that this is probably my last before the surgery though i am still not even a %  ready for it. I had even imagined even a family lunch at Taj for my 40th but i wa...

Just got back after meeting Dr K Parameswaran at Indo American with PET scan and other reports taken at Sakra Hospital, Bangalore over the last few weeks. My mind prayed his words would sound miraculous and say surgery is not needed .Impatiently waiting alone in the patients waiting area. Now i am used to doc visits alone though it is one of the most painful things. My name was called after about an hour's wait and within 3-4 minutes of sharing my reports , doc asked on my face - so surgery rt ? I succumbed to God's choice ! When i got home, in laws wanted to know what had happened. I merely said same thing as the other doctor said and what followed was "so tumor and operation " alle ?  Will insurance cover it ? I was lost for words. I can feel we are rich today and even if insurance wouldn't cover, what i have earned through these years can cover it but the whole point was it was a brain surgery. Blunt and right into my heart. What if this had happened to their d...

This is my first notice period as i have never out my papers yet, Infy being my first and perhaps the longest ever ! And tis time me and Sree both are on NOTICE! We are both embarking on new jobs almost around same time. While he is joining as Sr Director in Ness Digital Technologies , an Israeli Indian Company, I am joining Accenture as Manager. Super excited at this juncture of life but I wonder if God has different plan. (will need another blog) . I have been job hunting actively since last year when LinkedIn project was giving me hard time and management support was lacking. The PM in my team (apparently a mallu and good friend) who was supposed to report to me was having ego issues and made my life worser. The good work done , my commitment and long hours were never appreciated. So after very long, got my resume updated and put it up on LinkedIn website. Job hunting is like shopping. You don't get what you "when" you want. But at a time when you really dont need it. ...

Intimacy is not about sex. It is about trusting ,listening , sharing, caring and assuring you are there for your life partner.  Sreetta You often told me we are ONE and I took it by the word. Over the years it changed my life. I believed that you are there for me, with unconditional love and support. It gradually made me dependent on you and took away my independence. I was blind with love and respect for you. But the reality is far from this promise. Neither you or kids were dependent on me for anything except meals, laundry or the household chores. Its a hard reality you guys can live the entire life without me ! But if i want to go on a vacation or file my tax or play baddy or go to locker to get my gold or sleep well at night or even walk in the community , i needed you !  From Mar 2020, we are all home. I was happy cooking meals and cleaning up while juggling with work. But slowly , it was just upon me while you could have supported me better. Watsapp and media changed yo...

May 2018 : Return from US after 5 years of tay Nov 2018 :  It was our new apartment registration day when i felt something weird for the first time. Sitting in the car, we were heading to the registration office. Initial payment formalities were done and this was the big day. I was as excited as a child , my dream coming true. So i didn't give much thought to the weird feeling and let it go. However, it kept coming back. In December i caught Typhoid and soon after recovering got busy with home pooja and shifting. Sree was joining a startup with a great pay hike. From every angle, there was an aura of happiness.  Feb 2019 :  Even after we got settled at the new house, i noticed that the weird feeling wasn't going away. I felt as if my body was getting warmer, some kind of numbness, nauseating sensation , fear etc not just once or twice a day, but several times in the day.My energy levels were dropping and i felt difficult to work. Friends told me it was visible on my face ...

The husband's family has been very welcoming in the past years for me and my children which is because of their affection for Sree. I have been grateful for that and thought it was a great blessing to have such inlaws. Infact, during our Kerala vacations, i stay at "Madathil" more than my mother's place which is just a stone's throw away . I enjoyed the open talks with in laws , mostly mother in law who is almost always home. She shares stories from her past, her separation from parents and upbringing by grandparents , her marriage related stories ,her belief in God, in fate etc. I have shared some of my experiences which are very different from hers. The sister in laws haven't been very great but our interactions are not too much and by far , it has been so-so. However, I have had some negative remarks /instances specially on topics related to children. Also in 2010, when we got Jaundice, in laws treated me as if i was the reason for Sree to catch Jaundice. m...

2000 : My closes encounter with cancer was when my best friend and engineering classmate Anupama was diagnosed with Leukemia. She was my hostelmate too and usually goes home (Allepey) every weekend (like me) .  Just after College day and when she didn't return, I called her from the nearby bakery (no cell phone age). Her mom said she has fever. Companies were coming for campus recruitment, so i called again after couple of days but answer was that she will take few more days to return. I was confused. To this date, I don't know how her cancer was detected and what stage of cancer it was. She was like ay other girl. Energetic with lot of oil in hair and very affluent unlike me. She had done a superb show dancing for College Day along with Giggle and there were no symptoms of fever r tiredness. Even now, if i close my eyes, i can see her in that marron attire with French braided hair.  Later she sent me letter from Vellore about her cancer and we started exchanging letters. She ...

I never had in my wildest dreams what it would be to spend 17 years  together bonded with a "stranger" when i got married but I did. It was one of highs and lows, cheer and tear , pride and prejudice but we did it and might traverse a lot more together! My happy place is in your heart! We both were round in shape for marriage and have come a long way in the fitness journey. What probably started with a little extra care post Jaundice in 2010 has followed us till date. Regular excercise and eating home made food became our mantra. In this journey, we have both inspired each other. Sree's ability to set targets and work hard to achieve it amazes me though he doesnt set them often ! Ha ppy 17th anniversary to us and wishing many more :) As far as my memory goes, we haven't been away for any of our anniversaries until now, including the  very adventurous first one where i could fly in time to London to cut the cake ! So let this be a change. We are like the poles of a mag...

Recently my post on Motherhood journey was published in Infosys Official LinkedIn Page. It was a special experience as my blogs (read thoughts) are totally private and hasn't been read by anyone. I don't read news, share my views on any socio political issues nor read other's views. So even writing an article for Infosys and getting it published was unique (Little did i know this was a branding technique by the company).When i wrote it and showed Sree just before Mother's Day this year, he suggested about publishing it in my FB page. Initially i was reluctant but later thought it would be a nice idea. Received lot of likes, encouragement and appreciation. However, some of Sree's friends commented that the article completely neglected the reference and contribution of the man who was very much part of the journey till this point !  Everyday i feel my motherhood has been a failure because i dont show any love to the children though they are everything to me ! All i do...

Never thought having 2 teens in the house is so bad !  Right from they were born, my life has undergone drastic changes .It went tipsy turvy , my center, perimeter, diameter everything being them- in terms of managing them, day care and office work. In their initial days if crying and not sleeping kept me awake, when they started crawling it was something else. After returning to our GPR Layout home in Blr after the initial few months of post delivery rest, i literaly had noone to support except for the initial 2-3 months. So from very young age, there was no option than to put them in day care, trust them with unknown maids and assure myself they are fine. Their daycare didn't use diapers, so had to sent 20-30 cloth napkins everyday, washed and dried until they were potty trained. I was adamant not to use diapers even at night, so this meant waking up 4-5 times in the night with wet nightwear having to change everything. I wanted to avoid bottle feeding from very young age due to ...

I haven't read ("Finished") books in years and in general cannot be considered an avid reader. My daughter is one and i am grateful for that ! However, during my recent 3 month break from work, i read a couple of books. One gifted by a friend, another was a malayalam book, couple of Sudha Murthy's books and recently "Becoming" which we bought from Sapna books recently. It took me a month or so to finish " Becoming" as i read after work hours, post dinner while on my medicines which means before long i get into deep slumber. I literally fall on the book asleep , so before that happens i try to bookmark , keep it safe on the side table and then go to bed. "Becoming" by Michelle Obama is a neat narration of a young Black girl's average middle class life , her innocent childhood with family and her rise to America's First lady. Though i am not the Indian President's wife, I could relate a lot to tis book. What i related most was t...

"Echmukutty"..The author's autobiography. For me, reading a book completely (though in bits and pieces ) is a rare and great achievement. Last many years has been so busy with office and home that by the time i open any book, i am close to falling into a deep slumber. The last 3 months of leave from work was not very different .Tried some books from Ettan's cupboad. Anandakuttan was one of them but couldn't reach even half. Back in blr on Mar, i began reading echmukutty. It is a story of how a young woman falls prey to dirty men. Makes any woman hate herself if in that position. The sufferings she underwent is beyond my imagination , especially since the author is almost my generation or probably a few years elder. All men are portrayed mean, selfish and sexists except one who becomes her companion for rest of her life. It takes a lot of courage and boldness to walk out of marriage - something you have build with trust, care and affection over many years. Pre and ...

My grandmother turned 90in June2020. A cake was cut in the presence of her 3 surviving children and a couple of grandkid .She was perfectly healthy with good eyesight ,hearing, able to do things on her own ,and last but not least very sharp memory, recollecting all incidents time and again. However, after 3-4 months, her condition began to deteriorate. We had gone from BLR to Kerala due to COVD WFH in September, so after about a month of quarantine, we visited her with amma. She was happy but could feel her health wasn't great. She was happy because she was with her fav daughter but also said that she was away from her other fav child, Balu mama and his grandkids. She feels aches in different parts of her body and needed someone by her side for massaging. She didn't do the daily prayers, was not interested in SOP serials anymore and wanted to lie down always. So home nurse was arranged. As luck would have it, not one has stayed till now for more than a month with her in spite o...

For past couple of months, it has been overwhelming to see posts on FB, LinkedIn and across social media about the lives taken by COVID. The deadly virus is affecting the old and the young now. Last year , if it was mostly fear, this year the new variants of the virus have really taken a toll on people, creating havoc. COVID time would surely be etched in history as a Dark Era.  While US ,UK and many other nations have vaccinated 50% of their crowd, India's vaccination is at snail's pace. Thanks to our government and of course the huge population. I don't keep track of the death numbers but hearing the death of friend's friends, parents/siblings/inlaws of known people is heart wrenching Sree's classmate died recently. Sadly, we don't even have enough infrastructure to even bury or burn these people. Nannu was in Manipal Hospital for about 2 weeks with Oxygen mask to help his breathing but he didn't go too critical. So going back to the first line of this blo...

This is ONLY a figment of my imagination, fueled by the many deaths all around. Newspaper, watsapp forwards, chat with friends - its all about this COVID 19 virus and its variants. It attacked me first time in Feb'21 but not day was spent at the hospital.  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I know this is too early to write but somehow i feel the pandemic would eat me - a lung infection ,unable to find a hospital bed, oxygen supply. I dread to think how painful it would be to die after battling breathlessness. Would i want to fight infections ,probably losing an important function or body part in the process ? Would i be willing for Oxygen masks throughout life due to weak lungs ? Would i want to drain out all the money we have accumulated over time for education and our retirement ? I cannot even think of witnessing any death in the family dying nor can i stand it. I am very scared to die but even more scared of a lonely ...

Today is achan's third death anniversary . He was too early to die in 2018 ! He was born around Onam time and left us around Vishu ,making sure around both these happy occasions we remember him. From when i remember, he has been a tall, fit 70kg figure spending time in the backyard during the only Sundays he had a day off from work. He had few vices though - first was alcohol was a weakness but never to the extend it interfered with our life and second was spending money. He was very fond of investing in the single house he owned and even before a bonus or extra money would come, he would plan for it. He was by nature a spendthrift and never believed in saving up for my marriage or their retirement or never planned along with amma. After Hari became sick in 2009 and the umpteen unsuccessful efforts to get him back to normalcy, achan was never his normal self. He was always drenched in a whirlpool of alcohol and his personality underwent a drastic change. He was angry at everything,...

There was a time when i used to rever ,wonder and admire old infoscions - people who have spent 15 years, 20 years etc. I would imagine big palatial houses, shares and tonnes of money in bank account which sets them for life, big cars and a wonderful family. In less than 2 weeks, i am completing 18 years and I don't feel any sense of achievement ! In fact i never thought I would be completing the 18th year of my IT career with Infosys. I earnestly wanted to be part of another organization playing a bigger ,powerful role ! Infosys was definitely my dream job. In spite of high academics when i didn't get selected from Campus while half the class did, when i was wandering from one test center to another , battling between multiple interviews in Bangalore , Infy gave me solace in April 2003 , that vishu day i can never forget. It presented so many pleasant experiences , big and small including my first international trip ! While Pune gave me freedom to think and choose what i wante...

Dark, plump, hairy hands/legs - That pretty much described my teenage and early adult days. Oil ,talcum powder, shinkar bindi and kanmashi were probably the only make up items i was exposed to. No beauty parlors ,threading, waxing whatsoever ! The first time i threaded my eyebrows was for Vineetha chechi's wedding, in third year of engg..Can never forget the pain but the outcome was good - felt like a forest cleared to build a house. That beautician had done a great job - she gave my brows a nice shape which was to continue forever (or until now) and got me many good compliments ! Coming back to the intended content, so plump and hairy that I was wearing skirts stopped probably at 10 or 11 years of age. The outfit chosen for me was churidar , many a time old ones from cousins adorned my almirah ( I used to love wearing those ). It continued during college days too. We had uniform but on rare occasions when we could wear color dress, churidar was the chosen one. Only difference was ...

 I don't know when i started having this feeling of guilt but now it is so strong that combined with OCD it just drives me nuts during days. Growing up, i feel guilty if i lied or did something which is a NO from parents but it was a one off feeling. Today it has become an integral part of my emotion, myself. if we eat out at restaurant or buy bakery stuff or processed food items, then i feel guilty Thought of making cake or anything sugary ( with sugar and not jaggery) fills me with guilt (by the way we are a sweet loving family and dessert is must after lunch and dinner) Buying sweets or savories or any processed meat fills me with guilt if i spend too much money, feeling of guilt kicks in (By the way, I spend money only if really needed and rarely for not so needed items) if i don't cook enough veggies in a day, i feel guilty. If i don't spend enough time on official work , then guilt   If i don't excercise/yoga , then guilt  Almost at all times during the day, i ...

The pearl and gold necklace.. About 2 years ago, i realised that i had lost the pearl embedded gold necklace which was bought for my wedding. I cannot recollect the last time i wore it , so it is difficult to narrow down the point when the necklace went missing.Memory says it was bought when ammuma gave a cheque of 25000 (?). Those days 8 grams of gold (1 pavan) was less than Rs 5000. This one was about 5 pavans and though i liked its design, i remember telling amma to buy something which will help with the wedding chains.(We didnt hae the luxury to buy lot of gold or change this again). Long story short, we zeroed in on this and bought it. I wore it for Nannu's wedding in 2010 and may be in 1-2 more occasions. Post any wedding, normally we come back to Madathil  and then i take off all the gold. In case , we are unable to go to bank and deposit it there before returning to Blr, Husband hides it in some old shirt or shoe. I don't remember the last time i wore but couple of year...

Jan 22, 2021 was a particularly happy day. While the husband was coming to monitor the "Sreerekha" house renovation work, i slipped into the car for a quick visit to Ameda Nagaraja temple. It was the last temple visit in my list . Though very close to both our homes, i hadn't gone there in a long time, hence the wish. It was very peaceful at Ameda. After a quick stop by at the goshala, we sat near the backwaters just behind the temple. The waters brings in so much peace and tranquility. This time's Kerala visit included several backwater and lake sighting but it never ceases to bring the same positivity and peace as it did the first time.  After Ameda visit, we both went to the renovation site and then he dropped me at amma's place. Plan was to visit ammuma , stay at chitta's place , attend the utsavam at Ernakulam temple and return the next day. The cab came around 3:30 pm and we were at her place at 4pm. Ammuma's memory was clearly deteriorating exponent...

 Life has changed a lot - pre US and Post US days.  We live in surplus. There are more clothes , shoes, cosmetics and so many other material things than our need. While returning from US. There are more watches than we need. Ecodrive watches which i had gifted to amma and Hari were not even working because of lack of sunshine /any light for that matter (Each one would be easily worth more than $100) . Many things in this house are unused and we don't even know about it. The Harman Kardon Onyx speaker which was one of Sreettan's fav in US has become a showpice . Coach and Kate Spade handbags which i fancied for a long time while in US lay unused. There are so many shoes and sandals for each of us. There are collectibles and fridge magnets which we have forgotten about and are lying i boxes unopened. A whole knife set which we bought from US lies in Kerala. There are so many backpacks -Columbia, Nike etc safely nestled inside shelves. Even after giving to Sreettan's nephew an...

I can never forget that Black Day when i revealed that i had an affair in college. Of course, it was nothing like the kind of girl friend - boy friend type seen these days but I didn't want to hide anything before marriage. Your next question was should i tell your dad and i was dumbfound.  Soon after college, i had presented this at home. He was placed from campus in Chennai and was drawing a good salary but he was an ezhava. Achan got so angry at me that my whole body literally was shaking. He even called P's dad and blasted him also. Amma thought either me or achan would get a heart attack during that whole incident. I cried like never but realized this will not happen because he was compassionate and a kind person at heart. We used to talk about keeping part of whatever we earn for sharing with the needy etc. Later on when i went to Bangalore, he came to see me 2 times from Chennai. Short meeting in park or temple and I would come back to ammai's house. He used to call ...

Jan 22-23 : Weekend spent at chitta's house. Jan 23 : Chitta and uncle test COVID postive, ammuma negative Jan 24 : We are kept out of the family boating trip arranged from Poothotta. agrahavum nirbandhavum enteyayirunnu but othathu bakki ellarkum. Full day boating , lunch , resort chuttal and then high tea. Jan 25-30 : chuma, neerveezhcha starts for amma. kanji rasam in the house. njanum Hariyum valya asukhangalillathe kazhinju pokunnu. Everday i cried, virtual orphan feeling. Jan 30 : went to DDC COVID collection lab for RT-PCR test. I cried a lot today also. From Day1 of marriage, I have only thought about husband and later about kids but i am virtually no one for them other than a meal provider or cleaner. Everyone has becomes independent except me. Jan 31 : akshamarayi resultinu kathirikkunnu. Labilekku pala thavana vilichenkilum result vannittilla enna utharam. I even packed my bag to go to Poothotta thinking it will just be flu and test will come negative. samayam uchakku or...