2022 so far...

Inspite of being with the most beloved people, new year eve was not a very happy one. I was not in good terms with Sree and there are multiple reasons for it. Sree's behaviour when he is with 'his' people and isolating me was getting worser and worser. He has all the time in the world to talk and laugh with his people but not with me. I never realised this difference until the WFH days we spent in Kerala. During that time, he even told me to "go away"..saying i am disturbing the peace in the family. There were other bad experiences too which could have been easily avoided and for everything i am the rootcause. I started hating the house from that day. 

Dec 31..
We had dinner together and went to bed before 12. No non veg as the whole week we all had lot of hotel food, beef etc. So it was chapathi and curry for dinner. There was no excitement to wait until the clock stuck 12 and we all went to bed. By then i had decided that i am not going back to Bangalore with them and stay back here. He was very supportive and didnt bother to hold me back. So on Jan 1 , 2022 , to help pack their stuff for Bangalore, i decided to go with them to Poothotta and come back on Jan 2 after seeing them off to Bangalore. We reached Poothotta and I was busy packing, cleaning the room etc. Kids were not really bothering though i kept repeating to pack their stuff. During tea time, mother in law breaks a news that they are accompanying Sree and kids to Bangalore. Sreekuttan vilichappol avarkku No parayan patillatre ! Nalla karyam..but Sree could have told me and i wouldnt have gone there only to go back home all by myself the same evening. Inlaws told me about the next morning drop but i didn't succumb. So with tears rolling down my cheeks but visible to none, i boarded an auto. Inlaws had 'instructed' their son to drop me home but i refused.

Spending a full day and night without Sree was unimaginable until a few weeks ago. I would give everything to get his affection. There has not been a single night in years when i slept with the children even on their request because i was selfish. Sree was my happy place to be.  

After 17 years of marriage and spending about half a life time with me , why is he still able to embrace ONLY his family and showing dual face? This behaviour is just getting worse by the year. 

I had full trust on his virtues and thought he was the best gift achan and amma found for me but not anymore. He was not shocked or upset even when doctor that i was suffering from epileptic seizures and needs a `brain' surgery.  I cried for many days but he was rock hard. During the early years of marriage, he would say "nammal onnalle" and empathise if i feel low. It makes me wonder if it was just acting or obedience to parent's instructions ? I loved my inlaws because they seemed sincere and affectionate to me and my children. Perhaps their love for us was because we were part of 'their' son. 

Sree is a well known cook in our friends circle but he cooks for his satisfaction, not to help me.  Even if i am tired or held up in work the whole day, he doesn't take out the cullinary skills.

Sree orders veggies and fruits using Dunzo, Pickly and what not when he knows clearly i don't like it. One is the time spent on the phone searching and ordering, another is the plastic that comes with it. And all this when it takes not more than 10 mnts to get them from the veg vendor who comes to the community twice a week,

When i order grocery and other stuff from SM just outside RBD, he says it is burning petrol. So what are the above guys burning ?

I cant remember the last time Sree looked at my face other than to pop an acne. He looks at every other face and ass , and comments.

Sree teases me for sitting and dozing off at night while watching TV when he knows the effect these medicines have on me.Neither does he bother to remind me to take the medicines even if they are on the table. Does he know my medicines hits my head and shuts down my brain ?

I have fallen at his feet and requested to care me a bit more. I am as good as an orphan. Not sibling to share my feeling, my loneliness , no strong family support. Leaves me wondering what is my purpose in life...

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